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"El Hijo" English Translation [Apr. 11th, 2015|05:12 pm]
El Hijo.Collapse )

edit: Please leave a comment if you read this translation! (I've found that I enjoy the feedback, I'm a bit egotistical HAHA. Although in a different fashion than the father in this story, of course.) Suggestions on how to improve also welcome. /edit

Finished. Please read; it took a long time to translate (aka, a VERY LONG TIME).

Disclaimer: Mostly translated word for word, although sometimes I changed/added/took out words as I saw appropriate.
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Finals again [Nov. 3rd, 2014|11:57 pm]
So I never ended up posting about what I said I would write about in my last post. (a little voice inside my head is shouting: So typical!)

Also looking at trends - my last post was made during finals week.

....It's finals week again! This time I'm in my second year of medical school, so I am understandably substantially more stressed out this time around. Each time finals week hits, I hate on myself for a good while and tell myself that I'm never letting myself get to this point again. The cramming, the nights that never seem to end but become much too short, the apprehension during the test, the sense of worthlessness and failure afterwards. Academic hardships are real. I never try my best for these things, which is what kills me the most.

Also, one of my cats is sick. I've locked him in the bedroom with me so he doesn't get my other cat sick, but now he's just trying to step all over my computer and disrupt my studying/not-studying. Silly cat.

This weekend I'm visiting Anna with Elaine in Salt Lake City. I don't think I deserve this trip.
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Counselor [May. 25th, 2014|05:08 pm]
Recently, I've been toying with the idea to visit the school counselor and simply pour out all my thoughts. I tried it once before for an entirely different issue, and all that did for me was show me how unhelpful it was - going to a counselor is not going to solve all of life's problems. So I'm kind of wary. Is it worth feeling vulnerable and exposed? Is it worth hoping to find someone you trust, but getting your hopes crushed? Worst of all - will I be labeled as "anxious" and shoved pills? I can picture the file they'll have at hand for me. "Chief Complaint: anxiety." Silly counselor, it's not anxiety, don't put a label on me. Don't give me a medical condition. I just want someone to talk to who can empathize with me and help me.

In the near future, when I'm not in the middle of finals week, I'll try posting about my problems. To sum it up though: boyfriend - friends - insecurity - medical school.

I don't understand how a year made such a difference in my mental health. How long do I have to wait for things to get better?
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Hmm... [May. 16th, 2014|03:39 am]
I don't really know why I feel the way I do these days. I feel like everyone is judging me, like I have to constantly strive to make a good impression. This constant pressure leaves me crawling back to my hole, because I can't live up to what I want to be. It's the same hole from childhood, where I peeked out at the world and was scared to leave the comfort of introversion. But this time I'm an adult, and everyone's watching. It leaves me uptight and high-strung. There are so many expectations to fill. On one hand, I want to fill all those expectations, fill all these roles to different people, and be a superhuman! On the other hand, I want to just ball up, lock everyone out, and find my focus.

I blame it on this, I blame it on that. I'm actually a complete insecure mess. I feel like I'm losing my intelligence and my social skills. I've definitely lost my confidence and my ability to believe in myself. I feel shitty about myself quite often, but not often enough to call myself depressed.

The worst part is, I can't I can't I can't. Every sentence begins with "I can't."

When can I turn my life around?

Clock's ticking tick, tock, tick....
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Something I wrote for class, believe it or not. [Feb. 6th, 2014|04:24 am]
A space:
It can be limiting,
as it closes in around you.
You can feel lost and trapped, amid
endless circles.
You feel for a catch, an escape, but all you see are perfect
Slowly embracing you,
Slowly suffocating you.
Each step takes you closer to the
end -
which is the center.
The middle of the swirling vortex, the vacuum
of the black hole.

You're there - you stumble forward
An opening, a clearing.
You look up, and the vortex gives way to
Blue sky.

Freedom, it's there
All you have to do is make it through
and look up.

Based off this sculpture and article: http://www.nytimes.com/2006/09/17/arts/design/17blum.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0
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Passing by [Oct. 10th, 2013|05:58 am]
Days just go by as a blur now. In the back of my mind, I am aware that I am supposed to be in *school*, where I am supposed to be doing *work*, but I've just been tossing all of that away. How much longer can I pretend that I don't need to be focused and productive?

In med school, everything just seems to be so much more important. Everything matters, or will make an impact on Your Future As a Doctor. Getting too far behind is not an option.

So I need to remind myself.

As much as I hate to admit this, my willpower and resolve aren't strong enough to do this alone. Please, let's work hard together before we regret the daily choices that we make.
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Fat versus "Fat" [Jun. 30th, 2013|07:25 am]
Me: Do you think my legs look fat?
Mom: *glances over* Yes.

Me: Well I was really fat at the beginning of the summer, and now I think I'm slightly less fat. But still fat.
Dad: Mhmmmmm.

Me: I'm so full.. I feel so fat...
Mom: Well didn't I tell you not to finish off the rice?

Like a breath of fresh air, parents are the only people who tell it like it is.

(Can't even mention the word "fat" in front of friends because they start going on a rampage about how I'm not fat and should eat however much I like. While giving me disapproving looks whenever I eat less than I usually do as they go off eating their bite-sized portions. I don't understand... please just let me use the term "fat" out of convenience at least.)
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Undergrad dance inventory [May. 30th, 2013|03:48 pm]
I decided that instead of going to sleep at a reasonable hour, it'd be a good idea to make a list of all the dance performances that I've done, plus Youtube videos. Hope I'm not missing any. Here it is:

Read more...Collapse )
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High-flying tension and politics [Apr. 3rd, 2013|09:36 pm]
I feel like I'm being petty and selfish and manipulative lately. I can't put in the effort to be patient, understanding, forgiving, etc. I'm acting on whims and I'm acting on ideals. I'm being narrow-minded and not at all magnanimous.

I always talk about myself on this blog... how sickening, especially when I never engage in any substantial level of introspection
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把腦搞亂 [Mar. 22nd, 2013|11:26 am]
Everything I choose to do or not to do - I end up affecting one person or another, myself and others. It's like a constant balancing act. How much of one thing can I do without upsetting another? What are the consequences of my actions, and how much do I care about them?

Maybe I'm just so eager to leave the present, with one foot already planted into the future, that I've become so dreadfully calloused. I'm hurting the people around me, I'm hurting myself with bad life decisions. How much will they affect me in the long run? According to my current befuddled state of mind, not much at all.

It's hard to separate what I want to do from what others want me to do, or what I want to do in some situations as opposed to others. For instance, just being around certain people will cause me to decide one way, while being physically displaced will suddenly ground me and strengthen my resolve in another way. The accumulation of blissful unproductivity gives way to overwhelming any responsibilities and leaves me dealing with the repercussions. Because I am okay with the repercussions. One step in the future = I can afford to be irresponsible. I'm being judged, I know, by doing this. And not all others are in the same boat as me, though I may draw them into my willful capriciousness and cause them to suffer.

What's the good in this? If only we all had the ability to step back and critically judge our circumstances, then make logical and rational decisions. But no - we're stuck in the middle of our own shit, only focusing on the present, the instant justification.

Sometimes I feel like I'm meandering. And I don't have the will to leave this wandering lifestyle.

All I wanted was to live life like I how I wanted to. To have the time to invest in things that mattered to me. To relax and appreciate the world around me. Is that too self-centered? Is that too irresponsible? Do I even truly know how to enjoy what I have, or am I letting the very things that hold me up slip away?

Senioritis is for kids, not for adults.
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