||[Mar. 22nd, 2013|11:26 am]
Everything I choose to do or not to do - I end up affecting one person or another, myself and others. It's like a constant balancing act. How much of one thing can I do without upsetting another? What are the consequences of my actions, and how much do I care about them? |
Maybe I'm just so eager to leave the present, with one foot already planted into the future, that I've become so dreadfully calloused. I'm hurting the people around me, I'm hurting myself with bad life decisions. How much will they affect me in the long run? According to my current befuddled state of mind, not much at all.
It's hard to separate what I want to do from what others want me to do, or what I want to do in some situations as opposed to others. For instance, just being around certain people will cause me to decide one way, while being physically displaced will suddenly ground me and strengthen my resolve in another way. The accumulation of blissful unproductivity gives way to overwhelming any responsibilities and leaves me dealing with the repercussions. Because I am okay with the repercussions. One step in the future = I can afford to be irresponsible. I'm being judged, I know, by doing this. And not all others are in the same boat as me, though I may draw them into my willful capriciousness and cause them to suffer.
What's the good in this? If only we all had the ability to step back and critically judge our circumstances, then make logical and rational decisions. But no - we're stuck in the middle of our own shit, only focusing on the present, the instant justification.
Sometimes I feel like I'm meandering. And I don't have the will to leave this wandering lifestyle.
All I wanted was to live life like I how I wanted to. To have the time to invest in things that mattered to me. To relax and appreciate the world around me. Is that too self-centered? Is that too irresponsible? Do I even truly know how to enjoy what I have, or am I letting the very things that hold me up slip away?
Senioritis is for kids, not for adults.